The Medium, Act II

Previous installment: Act I

Act II: The same goddamn setting as Act I, about a week later. Toby is putting on a puppet show for Monica because she's devolved into a six-year-old again. Monica applauds as he finishes.]

Monica: Yaaaaaay that was awesome and now I think I'll completely lose my grip on reality!

The Audience: Wow. Crazy really runs in your family, doesn't it.

[Monica starts waltzing with an invisible partner.]

Monica: LA LA LA SOMEONE IN THE SKY IS PLAYING A TROMBONE AND A GUITAR

Toby: {Bitch, I told you not to eat those magic mushrooms.}

The Audience: Also, trombone and guitar is just plain weird orchestration.

Toby: {Yeah, 'cause that's definitely the weirdest thing about this scene.}

Monica: [still dancing] MONICA MONICA SINGS IN THIRD PERSON

The Audience: … touché.

Monica: COME FLY WITH ME

LET'S FLY LET'S FLY AWAAAAY

[Toby takes Monica by the arm.]

Toby: {Okay, you need to calm down now.}

Monica: What is it, boy? Timmy fell down the old well?

Toby: {BITCH I AIN'T A GODDAMN DOG}

Monica: What is it you're trying to tell me?

Toby: {TO SHUT THE FUCK UP}

[And then Monica starts narrating Toby's thoughts, because apparently one bullshit psychic in the family isn't enough.]

Monica: “Monica, I know I'm just a poor mute gypsy boy that your mother took in off the street – ”

Toby: {Wow. You really know how to make a guy feel good about himself.}

Monica: “ – and I know I could never be worthy of someone so beautiful and graceful and super-foxy – ”

Toby: {You could make a living as a motivational speaker.}

Monica: “ – but I'm deeply, madly, passionately in love with you – ”

Toby: {Okay, now you're just making shit up.}

Monica: “ – I wanna – li-li-li-li-lick you from your head to your toes – ”

Toby: {Oh, come on.}

Monica: “ – I wanna – mooove from the bed, down to the – down to the floor – ”

Toby: {You're painting a grossly inaccurate picture of my sexual fantasies. Also, SING A DIFFERENT SONG}

[Monica's alternate personality suddenly takes over, and she starts freaking out.]

Monica: How dare you say such filthy things to me, slave!

The Audience: CAN WE DIAL BACK THE RACIST UNDERTONES PLEASE

Menotti: Nnnnnope.

Monica: Don't you know who I am? I'M A FUCKING QUEEEEEN

Toby: {CALM THE FUCK DOWN}

Monica: OFF WITH HIS HEAD

[Nice Monica resurfaces, and she has a full-on split-personality battle.]

Nice Monica: Toby... is our friend!

Evil Monica: Liiiiies! We hates him!

Nice Monica: We loves him!

[A great deal of hissing and spitting ensues.]

Evil Monica: Don't make us leave, precioussss... we can be good, yesss...

[Monica passes out on the floor.]

The Audience: Jesus fuck.

Toby: {I know, right?}

[Monica regains consciousness.]

Monica: Toby, I know you can't talk, but I think you have the most beautiful voice in the world!

Toby: {Yeah, silence is golden. SO WHY WON'T YOU EVER SHUT UP}

[Monica waltzes off into her room like nothing ever happened because she's fucking insane.]

The Audience: what is this I don't even

[The door slams. Baba enters, visibly drunk and carrying a half-finished bottle of liquor.]

Baba: Where th' fuck's Monica?

[Toby points in the direction of her room.]

Baba: Meh, whatever. Come sit on mama's lap, Toby.

[Toby shudders.]

Baba: COME HERE GODDAMMIT

The Audience: Jesus, this is creepy. Like... way creepier than the séance bullshit.

Toby: {Tell me about it.}

[Toby slowly approaches Baba and sits in her lap.]

Baba: Now, I know you're just a dirty gypsy child I picked out of the gutter in Budapest –

Toby: {WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP BRINGING THAT UP TODAY}

Baba: – but I love you like you're my own son! That's why it hurts me so much whenever you make me hit you!

The Audience: Yeeeeeah, it's getting more awkward in here with every passing second. We're just gonna step outside for a minute –

The Ushers: [hiss menacingly]

The Audience: – or we could just stay here.

Baba: So I promise I'll never hit you again –

Toby: {I'll believe it when I see it.}

Baba: – and I'll also buy you a bunch of fancy shit –

Toby: {See previous comment.}

Baba: – but only if you tell me: were you the one who grabbed my throat during the séance last week?

The Audience: … haven't we been over this already?

Baba: I promise I won't get mad.

[Toby does nothing.]

The Audience: You know, now might be a good time to shake your head or something.

Toby: {Meh.}

Baba: Look, I know it was you. Just show me how you did it.

Toby: {You're not my real mom; you can't tell me what to do.}

Baba: MOTHERFUCKER ANSWER ME WHEN I ASK YOU A GODDAMN QUESTION

Toby: {MAKE ME}

[Baba calms down.]

Baba: See? You make me want to beat your shifty gypsy ass when I'm just trying to be your friend. Just tell me – I'll give you anything you want!

Toby: [gives zero fucks]

Baba: HOW ABOUT MONICA HOW'D YOU LIKE TO TAP THAT FINE JAILBAIT ASS

The Audience: Is she actually pimping out her daughter right now?

Toby: {Yes. Yes she is. Also, I don't want Monica 'cause SHE CRAZY.}

Baba: MAYBE IT WASN'T YOU BUT I KNOW YOU SAW WHO OR WHAT DID IT

Toby: [still gives zero fucks]

The Audience: JUST NOD OR SOMETHING SO SHE'LL CALM DOWN

Toby: {Nah, she usually just yells for a while and then passes out. Trust me; the worst part's already over.}

Baba: ANSWER ME YOU SON OF A BITCH

[Baba goes to the cupboard and takes out a whip – apparently she keeps her BDSM gear next to the cheese and crackers – and proceeds to chase Toby around the room and beat his ass with it.]

Toby: {OH GOD I WAS WRONG IT GOT SO MUCH WORSE}

[The whipping scene is super uncomfortable and it also goes on way longer than it needs to.]

My Blog Readers: oh god this isn't funny anymore

Me: Yeah, not so much.

[The doorbell rings. Monica, who apparently couldn't hear her alcoholic mother beating the shit out of a defenseless child, somehow hears the doorbell over all the yelling and the sounds of tearing flesh.]

Monica: Yaaaay for more customers!

The Audience: Jesus Christ. You have the worst selective hearing ever.

[Monica sees Baba and Toby.]

Monica: BABA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

Toby: {It's about goddamn time. HELP ME YOU DUMB BITCH}

Baba: [innocently] Oh, you know how it is... just a couple of bestest buddies roughhousing after pounding half a bottle of Jack. Like you do.

[Monica comforts Toby as the Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan enter.]

Mrs. Gobineau: Um... hi. Are we interrupting something?

Baba: The fuck are you guys doing here?

Mr. Gobineau: We're here for the séance. You know, the one that's been the same night every week for the past two years?

Baba: Ohhhhhhh, right. About that: I'm actually a fraud and I've been cheating you out of your money this whole time and I'm never doing another séance again so please go away and let me keep drinking myself to death.

Mrs. Nolan: Wait, what?

Baba: I FAKED EVERYTHING YOU MORONS

Mrs. Nolan: But –

Baba: HERE TAKE YOUR MONEY BACK AND GET OUT

Mr. Gobineau: Don't be ridiculous. You couldn't possibly have faked all that.

[Baba pulls back the curtain of the puppet theater and shows them all the switches.]

Baba: DO YOU GET IT NOW

Mr. Gobineau: But what about Mickey's laughter?

Baba: MONICA SHOW THEM

[Monica does the exact same baby laugh she's been doing every week for the past two years.]

Mr. Gobineau: … nah, I'm not buying it.

Mrs. Gobineau: Yeah, that doesn't sound like our son at all!

The Audience: [facepalm]

Mrs. Nolan: But what about Doodly?

[Monica puts on her dead teenager voice.]

Monica: … Moooom … Moooooooooooooooom …

Mrs. Nolan: I don't know where your daughter learned how to do impressions, Madame Flora, but she's terrible at it. I'd know my Doodly's voice anywhere, and that's not what I heard last week.

The Audience: [double-facepalm]

Mrs. Nolan: And I even found the gold locket she told me about!

Baba: EVERYONE HAS A GOLD LOCKET SOMEWHERE IT'S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK

Mr. Gobineau: Waaaaait a minute. I think I know what's going on here –

Baba: [sighing] Finally.

Mr. Gobineau: – you thought you were cheating us out of our money, but you've actually been a real medium the entire time without even knowing it!

The Audience: [has a collective brain aneurysm]

Baba: That's the single dumbest thing I've ever heard in my very long life. Get the fuck out of my house.

The Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan: PLEASE LET US HAVE OUR SÉANCE

Baba: NO

The Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan: PLEEEEEEEEEEASE

Baba: I SAID NO

The Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan: PRETTY PLEASE WITH SOME SELF-DELUSION ON TOP

Baba: NO GODDAMMIT JUST TAKE YOUR MONEY AND GO AWAY

The Gobineaux and Mrs. Nolan: Fiiiine.

[They leave, sulking.]

Baba: Now, where was I? Oh, right. TOBY I HATE YOU

Monica: BABA BE NICE

Baba: I'm sick of being nice to this little asshole. TOBY GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK

Monica: What? But where will he go?

Baba: That's a great question. Ask me if I give a shit!

Monica: But you can't just throw him out into the street!

Baba: Watch me.

[Baba ignores Monica's protestations and chases Toby out of the house.]

Monica: YOU'RE THE WORST MOM EVER

Baba: GO TO YOUR ROOM

[Monica runs into her room and slams the door. Baba goes over to her liquor cabinet and pours herself another drink.]

Creepy Voice: … Moooom … Moooooooooooooooom …

Baba: HOLY SHIT

[She goes over to Monica's door.]

Baba: Monica? Did you just say something?

Monica: FUCK OFF I HATE YOU

Baba: … guess not.

[Baba locks Monica's door and keeps drinking.]

Creepy Voice: … Moooom … Moooooooooooooooom …

Baba: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU ECTOPLASMIC MOTHERFUCKER

[She goes over to the table and sits down.]

Baba: Afraid... am I afraid? Could I really be afraid? Afraid afraid afraid?

The Audience: YES WE GET IT

Menotti: I lost my thesaurus when I was writing this part.

Baba: Soooo I've had a really long life and I've seen people being murdered and raped and shit and I never gave a fuck because I'm a straight-up badass... but for some reason, all this ghost shit has me scared enough to flip out and murder someone.

Menotti: Foreshadowing!

The Audience: Shut up.

Baba: OH GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

[Baba proceeds to have a full-scale meltdown, which ranges from rocking back and forth in a fetal position and singing the lullaby from Act I while weeping profusely...]

Baba: oh black swan where oh where has my sanity gone

[...to fits of maniacal laughter...]

Baba: AHAHAHAHA I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS

[...to crying and praying.]

Baba: Holy Mary, Mother of God, please help me STOP TRIPPING BALLS

[And finally she just passes out on the table.]

The Audience: Well, that was awkward.

[Toby enters, having returned to collect his few belongings.]

Toby: {grumble grumble bitch gonna throw me out without letting me get my tambourine and shit}

[He creeps past Baba to Monica's door and finds it locked. He knocks quietly, and Baba stirs in her sleep.]

Toby: {fuck fuck fuck}

[He hides behind the couch, but Baba doesn't wake up. Eventually he emerges and starts rummaging around in a trunk for his tambourine, because a loud obnoxious percussion instrument is exactly what everyone needs when they're trying to be silent.]

The Audience: We'd facepalm, but our hands are starting to get sore.

[The trunk lid falls shut suddenly and makes a loud goddamn noise.]

The Audience: Saw that coming.

[Toby dives into the puppet theater as Baba wakes up.]

Baba: WHAT THE FUCK WHO'S THERE

[There's no response. Baba reaches into a drawer in the table and pulls out a gun.]

Chekhov: THERE ARE LIKE THREE PAGES LEFT IN THE OPERA WHY ARE WE ONLY SEEING THE GUN NOW

Menotti: Shut up.

Baba: I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL SHOOT EVEN THOUGH BULLETS PROBABLY WON'T DO ANYTHING TO A GHOST

[The curtain of the puppet theater moves slightly.]

Baba: AAAAAHHHHHHH HOLY FUCKING SHIT

[Baba empties the revolver into the puppet theater. Blood gets everywhere.]

Baba: WOOO I'VE KILLED THE GHOST

The Audience: You are officially too dumb to live.

[Toby stumbles out of the puppet theater with six bullet holes in his chest and collapses on the floor.]

Baba: … huh. That ghost looks an awful lot like Toby.

Monica: [through the door] BABA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

[Baba unlocks the door and Monica rushes out.]

Baba: Guess what! I'm a Ghostbuster now!

Monica: JESUS CHRIST YOU KILLED TOBY

Baba: Wait, seriously? … shit.

Monica: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

[Monica runs outside, screaming for help. Baba approaches Toby's corpse and leans in close.]

Baba: Okay, so I know I've asked you this a lot, but I promise this is the last time. Were you the one who touched me during the séance?

Toby's Corpse: [bleeds on the carpet]

Baba: You know, whenever you feel like answering. Just take your time.

The Audience: [facepalm]

[End of the opera.]