Previous installment: Act I
Act II: A celebratory banquet on Adina's property. Adina and Belcore are seated at a table, flanked by Gianetta and Dulcamara. The Chorus is milling about, singing a traditional Italian wedding song.
The Chorus: TRA LA LA SIAMO TUTTI FUCKING WASTED
The Audience: Actually, we're pretty sure that's a real song.
Gianetta: [to Dulcamara] How did you get invited, anyway? You're a random stranger and you weren't even onstage when the engagement was announced, but now you're sitting with the wedding party like you're an old family friend.
Dulcamara: I invited myself when I heard that there would be free food. Also, I'm the only male character with a name who's not actively trying to bone Adina, so I'm the perfect choice for best man. Also also, I have as much right to be at this table as you do, Miss Glorified-Chorister.
Gianetta: YOU TAKE THAT BACK I AM A VALUABLE AND COMPLETELY NECESSARY CHARACTER
Dulcamara: [patting her on the head] Of course you are, sweetie. Pass the rolls, would you?
Gianetta: grumble grumble
Belcore: WOOO I LIKE BANGING BITCHES ALMOST AS MUCH AS I LOVE GETTING MY DRANK ON
The Audience: Classy. We can see why Adina likes you.
Adina: Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this to crush Nemorino's fragile ego and possibly make him commit suicide in a fit of passionate despair.
The Audience: And how's that working out for you?
Adina: HE DIDN'T EVEN COME TO THE PARTY WHAT AN ASSHOLE
The Audience: Yeah. He's a real jerk for not instantly succumbing to your sociopathic manipulation.
Adina: I know, right?
Dulcamara: OKAY WHO WANTS TO HEAR ME SING A SONG
The Chorus: NNNNOPE
The Audience: NNNNOPE
Dulcamara: DON'T MIND IF I DO
[He gets up and drags Adina along with him.]
Dulcamara: Okay, so this is a song about a rich old politician named Berlusconi who likes to have sex with hot gondola babes.
The Audience: Is that a thing? Like, before women were allowed to go to Catholic schools and wear short skirts and knee-high socks, did guys just jerk off to pictures of slutty gondoliers?
Donizetti: Totally. There's something tantalizingly erotic about those striped shirts... and don't get me started on the way they grasp those oars.
The Audience: Yeah, we're just gonna try and forget that you said that.
Donizetti: I'll be in my bunk.
Dulcamara: [to Adina] Hey, remember that time I wasn't trying to have sex with you?
Adina: ... yeah?
Dulcamara: Wellllll now I'm gonna use this song as an excuse to get all up on you. You're cool with that, right?
Adina: Actually, I don't think that's a good --
Dulcamara: OKAY HERE WE GO
[And then he tries to mack on her at her own wedding banquet.]
Dulcamara: HEY I'M OLD AND RICH AND YOU'RE YOUNG AND HOT SO LET'S GET OUR BONE ON
The Audience: Wow. This is the most Italian thing we've ever seen.
Half of My Readers: Rude.
Me: Hey, when someone writes an opera about Irish people getting drunk and fighting all the time, I'll be all over that shit like white on the Republican Party.
Two of My Readers: Also rude.
Me: You know it's true.
Adina: I'M FLATTERED BY YOUR AMOROUS ADVANCES BUT YOU'RE OLD AS FUCK AND I DON'T EVEN WANT TO IMAGINE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE NAKED
[The song goes on for entirely too long and does absolutely nothing to advance the plot.]
Donizetti: But isn't it great?
The Audience: No comment.
The Chorus: [applauding] So how does the story end?
Dulcamara: The senator is a proud man who doesn't deal with rejection particularly well, so he hires some men to murder Nina the gondolier and dump her body in the Grand Canal. And then he just hires a prostitute, like every other politician ever.
The Chorus: Yaaaaaay
[A notary enters.]
Belcore: OKAY ENOUGH PARTYING IT IS TIME TO SIGN THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT
Adina: But Nemorino isn't here yet and it's no fun unless I get to watch his heart shatter into a thousand pieces!
The Audience: Also, who the hell has the reception before the wedding?
Belcore: What's wrong? Are you getting cold feet or something?
Adina: Not at all! I'm totally gonna go through with this wedding and not call it off as soon as I get what I want!
Belcore: That's comforting.
Adina: I just need to wait a little longer before we actually sign the paper.
Belcore: Are you sure you're not having second thoughts?
Adina: Of course not! I just need to have a couple more drinks. I do some crazy shit in the bedroom when I'm hammered.
Belcore: SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN ANOTHER BOTTLE OF WINE
[They exit, followed by the chorus and Gianetta. Dulcamara remains behind so he can eat all the leftovers. Nemorino enters, looking dejected.]
Nemorino: OH GOD MY LIFE IS OVER
Dulcamara: om nom nom nom
Nemorino: Doctor! What are you doing here?
Dulcamara: At the moment? Stuffing my face. Why the hell do you look so sad when there's free food everywhere?
Nemorino: BECAUSE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS GETTING MARRIED TO THAT ASSHOLE OF A SERGEANT
Dulcamara: Meh. You can't win 'em all.
Nemorino: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW I NEED HER TO LOVE ME NOOOOWWWW
Dulcamara: Welllll I guess another dose of the elixir should make the effects immediate. Do you have money?
Dulcamara: Then you're pretty much fucked. Come see me if you get your hands on some cash!
[He stuffs his pockets with food and leaves.]
Belcore: [to himself] Bitches, man. I know Adina wants me, but for some reason she still won't sign the damn paper!
Nemorino: [also to himself] It's Belcore! Maybe I should murder him and cut off his face and wear it like a mask so that Adina will actually marry me instead!
Nicolas Cage: Bad idea. Face-switching never ends well.
John Travolta: Seriously.
Nemorino: ... dammit.
Belcore: [noticing Nemorino] Hey, what the hell are you so unhappy about?
Nemorino: Aside from the fact that you're marrying the girl I love?
Nemorino: Well, I need some money. Like... right now.
Belcore: No problem. Just sign up to be a soldier in my regiment and you'll get a cash advance on your first paycheck!
Belcore: Yuuup. I've got the money right here.
Nemorino: But wait. Isn't being a soldier dangerous?
Belcore: Yeah, a little. BUT THINK OF THE MONEY AND THE GLORY
Nemorino: But I don't want glory!
Belcore: THEN THINK OF ALL THE HOT BITCHES THAT WILL BE FALLING AT YOUR FEET WHEN THEY SEE YOU IN UNIFORM
Nemorino: Hot bitches, huh? Well, I don't really want to go off to war, but I guess this is the only way to win Adina's heart by tomorrow...
Belcore: YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE BEING A SOLDIER YOU GET TO MARCH ALL DAY AND CHILL OUT WITH YOUR BROS AT NIGHT AND YOU BASICALLY JUST DRINK AND WHORE YOUR WAY THROUGH LIFE
Nemorino: Fine; I'll do it!
Belcore: [producing a paper] Awesome. You'll get your money as soon as you sign this contract that swears your services to the army until your untimely, agonizing death.
[Nemorino squints at the contract.]
Nemorino: This fine print is really small. And what does "meat shield" mean?
Belcore: Uh... it's a slang term for military rations.
Nemorino: Oh. Okay, then!
[He signs the contract.]
Belcore: Congratulations! You're now a proud member of the Italian armed forces.
Nemorino: I don't know if "proud" is the exact term I'd use. Can I have my money now?
[Belcore gives him the money.]
Nemorino: Awesome. Now to find Dulcamara!
Belcore: [to himself] Aaaand now I can send this asshole to his death any time I want. Well played, Belcore. Well played.
Nemorino: I PROMISE I'M GONNA BE THE BEST SOLDIER EVER AND I'M TOTALLY NOT GONNA STEAL YOUR FIANCÉE
[They both leave. Gianetta enters with the ladies of the chorus.]
Chorus Ladies: HOLY CRAP IS THAT TRUE
Gianetta: YES IT IS NOW BE QUIET BEFORE SOMEONE ELSE HEARS
Chorus Ladies: WE'RE THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULATION OF THE TOWN WHO ELSE WOULD GIVE A FUCK
Gianetta: Shut up.
Chorus Ladies: OKAY SO EVEN THOUGH WE ALREADY KNOW THE STORY COULD YOU TELL US AGAIN NOW THAT WE'RE ONSTAGE
The Audience: Much appreciated.
Gianetta: Soooo remember Nemorino's random uncle who was mentioned in Act I?
The Audience: Not really, no.
Gianetta: Well, he totally exists and he totally just died and he totally left Nemorino a shit-ton of money.
Chorus Ladies: oooooh
Gianetta: So now he's super rich and he doesn't even know it!
Chorus Ladies: AND NOW WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE OF US CAN MARRY HIM FIRST
The Audience: Now, we're not saying that you're gold-diggers... actually, no. That's exactly what we're saying.
Random Chorus Girl: Hey, shouldn't someone tell Nemorino that his closest living relative just died?
Everyone Else: NO YOU DUMB WHORE
[Nemorino enters, drunk.]
Nemorino: OH MAN I CAN FEEL THE ELIXIR WORKING ALREADY AND NOW EVERYONE'S GOING TO START FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME
[He notices Gianetta staring at him.]
Nemorino: Oh, hey.
Gianetta: Hey, Nemorino... have you been working out? You're looking really good these days.
Nemorino: Oh, well, I... uh...
Chorus Ladies: I SAW HIM FIRST
[The women start falling all over themselves to jump on Nemorino, who (in case you had forgotten) was the least desirable man in town until these shallow bitches found out he was rich.]
Nemorino: WOOOW THE ELIXIR REALLY DOES WORK
[Adina and Dulcamara enter.]
Adina: ... are they actually fawning all over Nemorino?
Dulcamara: No, seriously. What the shit is going on here?
Nemorino: It worked, Doctor! The potion has made them all fall in love with me!
Dulcamara: That can't be right. [to the women] Do you actually find this man remotely attractive?
Chorus Ladies: OH YEAH HE'S THE SEXIEST MAN EVER
Adina: THIS IS BULLSHIT HIS HEART WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BROKEN AND NOW HE'S GOT WOMEN FAWNING ALL OVER HIM
Nemorino: YAAAAY IF THEY ALL LOVE ME THEN ADINA MUST LOVE ME TOO
Dulcamara: There's only one possible way this could be happening right now.
The Audience: Because the women in town are all greedy whores?
Dulcamara: Don't be ridiculous. It's because my love potion ACTUALLY WORKS
The Audience: You're a moron.
Gianetta: HEY NEMORINO COME DANCE WITH ME
Chorus Ladies: NO NO COME DANCE WITH US FIRST
Gianetta: BACK OFF BITCHES HE'S MINE
Chorus Ladies: WE'LL FIGHT YOU FOR HIM
[A large catfight ensues.]
Dulcamara: My potion can control the workings of the human heart! Though I be but a humble mortal, I wield the power of God himself!
The Audience: This really has nothing to do with you.
Dulcamara: LOOK ON MY ELIXIR YE MIGHTY AND DESPAIR
Adina: Sooo Nemorino, can I talk to you for a second?
Nemorino: Kinda busy here. Why, are you starting to fall in love with me?
Adina: You wish. Belcore told me you joined the army.
Chorus Ladies: WHAT OH NOOOO
Adina: Are you a fucking moron? You're gonna die.
Nemorino: Nah, I'm pretty sure I'll be okay.
Chorus Ladies: NEMORINOOOO COME DANCE WITH UUUUSSSSS
Adina: Wait! What about me?
Nemorino: I'll talk to you later! [to himself] Yeah, she's falling in love with me.
Dulcamara: Holy crap I'm going to get so fucking rich from selling this shit.
Adina: I can't believe he's not talking to me! And now that he's ignoring me, I can't help but find him incredibly attractive. Is that weird?
The Audience: Yes. Yes it is.
[Nemorino is dragged offstage by the womenfolk.]
Adina: But... but...
Dulcamara: Crazy, right?
Adina: That's one word I'd use.
Dulcamara: And it's all thanks to me!
Adina: How so?
Dulcamara: Oh, I just control the passions of the human heart with my magical concoctions. You know, no big deal.
Dulcamara: Bullshit? I'll have you know that I am the sole remaining keeper of the recipe for Queen Isolde's ancient love potion!
Adina: And you gave it to Nemorino?
Dulcamara: Yeah, he said that he needed it because some frigid bitch wasn't paying attention to him.
Adina: Oh. Awkward.
The Audience: Yuuuup.
Adina: So he loves this frigid bitch?
Dulcamara: Completely and totally. God only knows why, though; he could have literally any woman in town.
Adina: Wow. I never realized he loved me so much...
The Audience: Except for that time when you said he was always telling you that.
Adina: Shut up.
Dulcamara: You look like you could use some love potion.
Adina: You shut up too.
Dulcamara: Okay, but don't come crying to me when Nemorino knocks up half the women in town.
Adina: NO HE WON'T 'CAUSE HE ONLY LOVES ME
Dulcamara: Are you willing to take that chance? You look really stressed and it's probably going to affect your looks and then Nemorino will go for someone younger and hotter.
Adina: Not gonna happen.
Dulcamara: You could make all the women in town jealous!
Adina: They already are.
Dulcamara: You could marry the fucking pope if you wanted.
Adina: No, I've decided that I only love Nemorino for some reason.
The Audience: Does it have anything to do with the fact that he appears to have stopped giving a fuck about you?
Dulcamara: Come onnnn buy my potioooonnnnnn
Adina: BITCH I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID ELIXIR
Dulcamara: HOW DARE YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH THE GREAT DULCAMARA
Adina: Look, I'm sure your love potion is awesome and whatever. But seriously, have you looked at me? I'm the hottest piece of ass in Southern Europe.
Dulcamara: You are pretty foxy...
Adina: Goddamn right. Look at these hips! Look at my kickass rack! Bitch, I got all the love potion I need riiiiight here.
Dulcamara: homina homina homina
Adina: Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm going to use all my feminine wiles and Nemorino won't be able to resist!
The Audience: Sooo you've gone from wanting to destroy his happiness to not giving him any other option except marrying you.
The Audience: And all in the span of about ten minutes.
Adina: Hey, I'm a woman. We're fickle and stuff.
Donizetti: And how!
[Dulcamara and Adina exit. Nemorino enters.]
Nemorino: Boy, Adina looked really upset when I left with those other girls. I wonder if that means... HOLY CRAP SHE LOVES ME
The Audience: For some reason.
Nemorino: OH MY GOD I THINK I MIGHT DIE OF HAPPINESS AND LOVE AND STUFF
The Audience: That's not really a thing that usually kills people. Signing up to be a soldier, on the other hand...
Nemorino: Oh, fuck. That probably wasn't a good idea, was it.
The Audience: Nnnnope.
Adina: ... hey. How's it going?
Nemorino: Pretty awesome. I'm knee-deep in bitches, just like the doctor said I'd be!
The Audience: You know he's not a real doctor, right?
Nemorino: I sure don't!
Adina: Okay, so I need to know why you decided to join the army.
Nemorino: ... I thought it was the only way to make my life not suck.
Adina: Yeah well you're a fucking moron and you shouldn't throw your life away because maybe some people care about you.
Nemorino: People like you?
Adina: I didn't say that. Shut up. Also, I bought your contract back from Belcore.
[She hands it to him.]
Adina: Take it, you jackass. Since everyone's in love with you anyway, you don't need to go to war to make your life better.
Nemorino: But you don't love me?
Nemorino: FINE THEN I'M GONNA GO DIE IN BATTLE
Adina: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE YES I LOVE YOU
The Audience: Yaaaaay for emotional blackmail!
[Adina and Nemorino make out. Belcore enters with Dulcamara and the chorus.]
Belcore: WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU KISSING MY FIANCÉE
Nemorino: ... is that a trick question?
[Belcore draws his sword.]
Belcore: I'MA KILL YOU
Nemorino: COME AT ME BRO
Adina: EVERYONE CALM YOUR TITS
Everyone: [calms their tits]
Adina: Sorry, Belcore, but I was just using you to make Nemorino jealous. I never actually liked you and I definitely never planned to actually marry you.
Belcore: Fine by me, skank. The world is full of hot bitches for me to have sex with.
Gianetta: Like me?
Belcore: You wish.
Nemorino: And I owe all of my happiness to you and your love potion, doctor!
Dulcamara: Well, I don't want to brag... but yes. Yes you do. Also, as everyone knows already, Nemorino's uncle died today --
Nemorino: OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW THAT
Dulcamara: -- and now Nemorino is the richest person in town!
Nemorino: [sobbing] WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME
Dulcamara: And all this just goes to show that my elixir makes you irresistible to women and totally fucking rich!
The Audience: Dude... too soon.
The Chorus: HUZZAH FOR THE GREAT DULCAMARA
Dulcamara: THERE IS LITERALLY NO PROBLEM IN THE WORLD THAT CAN'T BE SOLVED BY THE CONSUMPTION OF LARGE AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL
The Chorus: Alcohol?
Dulcamara: I MEAN MAGIC POTION
The Chorus: YAAAAAY
Nemorino: And even though my only living relative is dead and literally everyone knew about it but decided not to tell me for some reason, I'm super happy because I'm gonna marry the woman of my dreams!
Adina: And we'll never forget how the magic potion helped us!
Belcore: Fuck you both.
Adina: And now we're all going to be happy forever!
The Chorus: GOD BLESS DULCAMARA AND HIS MAGIC ELIXIR OF LOVE
The Audience: FOR FUCK'S SAKE IT'S JUST CHEAP WINE
[End of the opera.]
Monday, November 19, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
A melodramma giocoso in two acts (Act II)
Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Felice Romani
A melodramma giocoso in two acts (Act II)
Music: Gaetano Donizetti
Libretto: Felice Romani
[Act I: A quaint little village in some picturesque corner of the Italian countryside. Gianetta, who's pointless enough to be a mezzo but is actually a soprano for some reason, is lounging around with the chorus instead of working. Adina, the beautiful, wealthy landowner, is sitting and reading a book. Nemorino, the
hero protagonist of
our story, is standing across the stage, staring longingly at Adina
and bemoaning his cerulean-hued balls.]
Gianetta: Boy, it sure is awesome to just sit around and be lazy instead of doing anything useful.
The Chorus: It sure is!
Adina: If you dirty peasant fuckers don't get back to work in the next five minutes, I'm going to evict you all.
Gianetta: … can she do that?
The Chorus: Maybe? We're all illiterate, so it's not like we can go to the town hall and read through our laws and statutes and shit.
Gianetta: Good point.
The Chorus: So should we get back to work?
Gianetta: Nah, let's just keep repeating our few lines of text on some equally repetitive music.
The Chorus: With gusto!
Gianetta: RELAXING IN THE SHADE IS AWESOME BUT IT SUCKS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK
The Chorus: IT REALLY SUCKS YES YES IT SUCKS IT REALLY REALLY REALLY SUUUUCKS
The Audience: … this seems uncomfortably familiar.
Donizetti: Hi, everyone! Thanks for coming to my opera!
The Audience: Son of a bitch. Not this guy again.
Donizetti: Glad to see you, too.
[The chorus shuts up. Nemorino sighs heavily and begins to sing.]
Nemorino: God, Adina is so beautiful and graceful that I can't stop staring at her.
The Audience: That's kinda cute. You know, in a stalker-ish sort of way.
Nemorino: If I could, I would just stare at her all day long.
The Audience: Okay, maybe you want to dial it back a bit.
Nemorino: And all night. I would love to watch her sleep.
Rodolfo: Back off, man. Creepy sleep-watching is my territory.
Nemorino: You back off. You're not even going to exist for another sixty-three years!
Rodolfo: Them's fightin' words, boy.
Donizetti: GET OUT OF HERE THIS IS STILL THE BEL CANTO PERIOD
Nemorino: So, like I was saying – Adina's super hot and I'd love to get me a piece of that ass, but she just doesn't even know I exist!
The Audience: That's rough, buddy.
Nemorino: I TELL YA, CELLOPHANE, MISTER CELLOPHANE
SHOULDA BEEN MY NAME, MISTER CELLOPHANE
'CAUSE YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME
WALK RIGHT BY ME
AND NEVER KNOW I'M THEEEEERE
The Audience: Really? 'Cause you seem to be attracting a lot of attention right now.
The Audience: Case in point.
[Adina starts laughing.]
Adina: OH MAN YOU GUYS THIS BOOK IS SO GREAT
Gianetta: Yeah, you can read. We're really happy for you.
Adina: Come gather around so I can tell you a tale!
Gianetta: Really? 'Cause you were telling us to get back to work just a few minutes ago.
Adina: COME HERE AND LISTEN TO MY STORY OR I'LL MURDER YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP
[Gianetta and the chorus all gather around Adina.]
Adina: Soooo once upon a time, there was a handsome knight named Tristan who was in love with a total bitch named Isolde!
Nemorino: Sounds familiar.
Adina: And he would pine for her all day long, but she never paid him any attention!
Donizetti: SEE IT'S SUPPOSED TO MIRROR WHAT'S HAPPENING IN THE OPERA
The Audience: Yeah. Thanks.
Adina: But one day, Tristan went to a wizard and asked him to brew a love potion!
Wagner: What the – THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED
Donizetti: SHUT UP IT'S MY OPERA NOT YOURS
Wagner: WELL THEN MAYBE I'LL WRITE MY OWN
The Audience: Girls, girls. You're both pretty.
Adina: And so Tristan drank the love potion and it made Isolde fall madly in love with him!
The Chorus: OH MAN WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO HAVE A POTION LIKE THAT
Nemorino: IT SURE WOULD
Everyone: [stares at Nemorino]
Nemorino: You know, for completely normal purposes that have nothing to do with forcing someone to love me against her will.
The Audience: Okay, sooo wait a second. If Tristan was the one who drank the potion, how in the hell did it affect Isolde? Wouldn't it just make him fall more in love with her?
Donizetti: It's magic or something. Shut up.
The Audience: It's not to say that we don't appreciate the lessening of the myth's inherent date-rape parallel –
Donizetti: You're welcome.
The Audience: – it's just that the story makes no goddamn sense.
Donizetti: And when has that ever stopped me before?
The Audience: … touché.
The Chorus: SO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Adina: Isolde fell in love with Tristan and they lived happily ever after and nothing bad ever happened to them ever again!
The Chorus: YAAAAAY
The Audience: That's it; we're calling bullshit.
The Audience: Shut up. Aren't you missing the part where Isolde was married to Tristan's liege lord? And the part where it all ends in tragedy?
Donizetti: It's a myth! There are lots of different versions of the story!
The Audience: Yeah, lots. And the happiest of all those possible endings is the one where Tristan is exiled for life and Isolde stays married to a man she doesn't love.
Wagner: I like the version where they both die at the end!
The Audience: Yeah, we know.
Donizetti: Well, you can all piss off because this is my opera and I do what I want.
The Audience: Just so you know, we'll be keeping track of the misinformed uses of mythology from now on.
Donizetti: Funny you should mention that...
[Belcore enters, followed by a group of soldiers. Belcore is a swaggering douchebag who thinks he's God's gift to women – in other words, he's a baritone. He sees Adina and immediately starts hitting on her.]
Belcore: Hey, baby. Lookin' fiiiiiine.
Adina: Fuck off; I'm reading.
[Belcore steals a bouquet of flowers from some poor peasant and presents it to Adina.]
Belcore: So you like books, huh? Well, try this literary reference on for size. Just as handsome Paris presented the golden apple to the fairest goddess of all –
The Audience: – thereby starting himself on the path which led to stealing another man's wife and setting off the Trojan War and then hiding in his room and getting his bone on with Helen while his family and friends were fighting and dying all around him –
Belcore: – I present you with these flowers!
The Audience: Yeah, that's two strikes.
Donizetti: STOP KEEPING TRACK
The Audience: Nnnnope.
Belcore: But I'm way cooler than that guy –
The Audience: – the cowardly adulterer –
Belcore: – because I'm gonna put my penis inside of you at some point in the next few days.
The Audience: What? That comparison doesn't even make sense.
Adina: Look. No offense; you seem like a nice guy and all –
Nemorino: grumble grumble
Adina: – but I'm not interested.
Belcore: But wait, there's more! I'm six-foot-three, have an awesome mustache, can bench-press about a bajillion pounds, and I'm also a sergeant.
Adina: Be still, my beating heart.
Belcore: I know, right? I've never met a girl who could resist the sight of a man in uniform, especially when that man happens to be me.
Donizetti: Could you phrase that in a more poetic way, please?
Belcore: Sure thing. The goddess of love will always yield to the god of war!
The Audience: Oh, you mean like the time that Ares had sex with Aphrodite?
The Audience: And then Hephaestus, Aphrodite's husband, found out about it and trapped them in a net?
The Audience: That's three.
Belcore: Sooo it's clear that we're both attracted to each other and stuff. When do you want to get married?
The Audience: Wow. That's moving a little fast, even for an opera character.
Nemorino: oh god oh god what am I gonna do
Adina: I'm not really looking to get married right now. I'd rather slut it up among the townsfolk a little longer.
Belcore: Come onnnnnnnnnnnn let's get marriiiiiiied
Adina: You are by far the clingiest man I have ever met.
Nemorino: Challenge accepted.
Belcore: What's the point of waiting? You're just gonna get old and wrinkly and gross; you should be spending your youth having hot sex with a hot guy.
Adina: Look, just because I'm desperate for male attention doesn't mean I'm easy. You're gonna have to settle in for a loooong siege if you want to pillage this village, baby.
Belcore: Wait, who said anything about pillaging?
Adina: I'm using the word as a euphemism for sex.
Belcore: Ohhhhh. In that case, I hope you're ready for me to breach your walls with my big, throbbing cannon and then burn your village the ground and slaughter all its inhabitants.
Adina: Uh... I think you're taking the metaphor a little too far.
Belcore: Yeah, I do that sometimes.
Nemorino: [to himself] Dammit, he's so suave! I wish I could talk to ladies like he does!
The Audience: No, you really don't.
Belcore: Oh, and by the way – my men and I need to stay at your house tonight.
Adina: Not gonna happen.
Belcore: Just me, then?
Belcore: Fine; we'll camp out in the town square. But could you at least give us a bottle of wine or something?
Adina: Yeah sure whatever.
Belcore: [to himself] Oh, yeah. She wants me.
Adina: [to the townsfolk] What the hell are you people staring at? GET BACK TO WORK
[The soldiers and the chorus disperse. Adina is getting ready to leave, but Nemorino has finally worked up the balls approach her.]
Nemorino: Hey, um... can I talk to you for a second?
Adina: Oh, for fuck's sake. Are you going to profess your undying love for me like you always do?
Nemorino: … no?
Adina: Okay, you've got thirty seconds. What do you want?
Adina: Tick-tock, Eeyore.
Nemorino: I LOVE YOU AND I WANT TO MARRY YOU
Adina: Aaaand that sound you just heard was my patience officially running out.
Nemorino: WHY DON'T YOU LOVE MEEEE
Adina: Because you're a whiny sack of shit who doesn't contribute anything to society.
Nemorino: But... but...
Adina: You should probably go to the city and take care of that sick uncle of yours.
Nemorino: His pain is nothing compared to mine!
Adina: Really? 'Cause I heard that he's dying of syphilis.
Nemorino: Loving you is way worse than syphilis!
Adina: Wow. You certainly know how to make a girl feel good about herself.
Nemorino: Yeah, that was... poorly phrased.
Adina: You think?
Adina: Okay, just listen. You're a nice guy –
Adina: – but you're awkward as fuck and have no idea how to get women to like you.
Nemorino: My mom always told me that I should just be myself.
Adina: That's terrible advice. Also, I'm way out of your league.
Nemorino: But whyyyyyyyy
Adina: Mostly because I'm rich and intelligent and gorgeous and you're just a dumb redneck who smells like cow shit.
Adina: But also because I'm like the fickle breeze, always blowing here and there...
Nemorino: [sighing] I wish you'd blow here.
Adina: You've really gotta work on your phrasing, man.
Adina: Never mind. Just forget about me, okay? And maybe move to another town or something while you're at it.
Nemorino: BUT I CAN'T
Adina: And why not?
Nemorino: BECAUSE MY LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A RIVER AND IT WILL NEVER STOP FLOWING
The Audience: He's really not good at metaphors.
Adina: Well... that sucks for you, but it's not really my problem.
Nemorino: I WOULD GO THROUGH ALL THIS PAIN
TAKE A BULLET STRAIGHT THROUGH MY BRAIN
YES I WOULD DIE FOR YOU BABE
BUT YOU WON'T DO THE SAME
Adina: … 'kay. I'm just going to roll right on past your implied threat of suicide –
Adina: – and tell you once again that I'm not interested.
The Audience: Good for you, Adina! Way to not define yourself by latching onto the closest available man!
Me: Just wait twenty minutes.
Adina: FUCK OFF ALREADY
[They both leave.]
The Audience: Thank god.
[The Chorus enters.]
The Chorus: OH WOW LOOK AT THAT STRANGE MAN APPROACHING THE TOWN
[Enter Dulcamara, a quack doctor and traveling salesman. He's basically the Billy Mays of the nineteenth-century Italian countryside.]
Dulcamara: HI FOLKS DULCAMARA HERE AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW MAGIC POTION THAT WILL LITERALLY CHANGE YOUR LIFE
The Chorus: ooooh
Dulcamara: [holding up a bottle] IT KILLS MICE AND RATS; IT GETS RID OF WRINKLES; IT SWELLS YOUR GENITALS TO GARGANTUAN PROPORTIONS AND MAKES YOUR SPERM SWIM LIKE FUCKING SALMON DURING SPAWNING SEASON
The Chorus: aaaaah
Dulcamara: ANYONE EXPERIENCING AN ERECTION LASTING LONGER THAN FOUR HOURS CAN SEND ME A THANK-YOU CARD
The Audience: Thanks for the infomercial. Can we move on with the opera yet?
Donizetti: Nope. He still has to sing for another seven minutes or so.
The Audience: fuuuuuuuck
Dulcamara: I HAVE POTIONS FOR LITERALLY EVERY PURPOSE IMAGINABLE SO YOU SHOULD ALL GIVE ME YOUR MONEY NOW
The Chorus: HOW MUCH
Dulcamara: I'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT BECAUSE PATRIOTISM
The Audience: That doesn't even make sense.
The Chorus: HERE YOU GO PLEASE TAKE OUR MONEY
Dulcamara: Done and done.
[Everyone buys some shit and leaves. Nemorino enters during the commotion and gets an idea.]
Nemorino: Hey, Mister Dulcamara, sir... I heard you have some pretty crazy potions and elixirs and whatnot.
Dulcamara: Indubitably! My suitcase holds more wonders than Pandora's box!
The Audience: THAT'S FOUR
Donizetti: You know what? I don't even care anymore.
Nemorino: Awesome. Would you possibly happen to have some of Isolde's magic potion lying around?
Dulcamara: I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.
Nemorino: You know, like... an elixir of love?
Dulcamara: Oh, right. That. I actually just brewed up a batch last week, and I'll let you have it for –
Nemorino: [counting his money] I have seventy-five cents.
Dulcamara: – seventy-five cents!
[Dulcamara takes Nemorino's money and hands him a bottle.]
Nemorino: OH WOW THANK YOU SO MUCH
Dulcamara: You're welcome, you dumb son of a bitch!
Nemorino: So how do I use it?
Dulcamara: You drink it, moron. The effects will take about a day to kick in, by which time I'll have moved on to another town where I won't have any unsatisfied customers who want to curbstomp me for bilking them out of their hard-earned cash.
Dulcamara: Nothing. No refunds, by the way.
Nemorino: I'm sure I'll be perfectly happy with the results. How does it taste?
Dulcamara: It tastes exactly like cheap wine, which is a funny coincidence since it's definitely magical and totally not a bottle of shitty Bordeaux.
Nemorino: Awesome. Thanks!
Dulcamara: Also, you have to promise not to tell anyone.
Nemorino: I promise!
Dulcamara: Wonderful! Just wait; you'll be knee-deep in bitches by tomorrow.
Nemorino: But I only want one particular woman because she's my true love!
Dulcamara: It's funny how you think I give a shit. Later!
[Dulcamara exits. Nemorino uncorks the bottle and takes a sip.]
Nemorino: You know, it really does taste just like wine. That's not suspicious at all!
[He chugs the rest of the bottle. The effects of the alcohol are instantly visible, because of course they are.]
Nemorino: LA LA LA I'M SO FUCKING WASTED
The Audience: So... was the alcohol instantly absorbed into his bloodstream or something?
The Audience: Wow. It really is magic.
Adina: WHO THE FUCK IS SINGING
Nemorino: LA LA LA oh shit it's Adina!
[He pretends not to notice her and keeps singing.]
Adina: Oh, it's just Nemorono. What the hell is he so happy about?
Nemorino: Rrrgh, why hasn't she fallen in love with me yet?
Adina: Is he actually ignoring me? The village idiot is ignoring me?
Nemorino: [to himself] Laugh while you can, bitch – tomorrow you'll be begging to take a ride on the Nemorino Express!
The Audience: That's a terrible name for your penis.
Adina: I think I'm going to break his stupid fucking face.
[She approaches him.]
Adina: Soooo you seem pretty happy.
Nemorino: Yeah, I'm pretty much over you. It was way easier than I thought.
Adina: You know, I might actually believe you if I weren't the hottest – and richest – piece of ass in town. Buuuut since I am, I'm gonna call bullshit.
Nemorino: GOD WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A BITCH
Adina: WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING NOT TO LOVE ME
The Audience: Oh, just hate-fuck each other already and get it over with.
Belcore: [offstage] DEALING WITH COCKTEASES IS A REAL PAIN IN MY ASS BUT I CAN DEAL WITH IT BECAUSE I'M THE MANLIEST MAN THAT EVER MANNED
Nemorino: Not this guy again.
Adina: Why, are you jealous?
Belcore: Hey, baby. Did you miss me?
Adina: Not even remotely.
Belcore: I love it when you play hard-to-get. Are you ready to marry me yet?
Adina: [looking at Nemorino] Maaaaybe. As long as he's not jealous or anything.
Nemorino: DO WHAT YOU WANT I DON'T CARE
Adina: Okay, fine. [to Belcore] Let's get married!
Adina: How does six days from now sound?
The Audience: Like you've already got a bun in the oven and you want everyone to think that Belcore is your baby-daddy?
Belcore: It sounds great!
Nemorino: AHAHAHA SIX DAYS IS TOO LATE, BITCHES
Belcore: What the hell is he talking about?
Adina: Fucked if I know. He's an idiot.
Belcore: Do you mind if I kick his ass?
Adina: Be my guest!
[Belcore is about to beat the shit out of Nemorino when Gianetta enters, followed by the chorus and the soldiers.]
Gianetta: SERGEANT HOTPANTS THERE'S A MESSAGE FOR YOU
[She hands Belcore a note.]
Belcore: [reading] It's from the captain! It says here that we have to leave tomorrow morning!
The Chorus: OH NO NOT TOMORROW MORNING
The Soldiers: Are we going to war or something?
Belcore: How the fuck should I know? [to Adina] It looks like we'll have to postpone the wedding, darling.
Adina: This is my disappointed face.
Belcore: Will you be true to me while I'm gone?
Adina: It's almost definitely a possibility!
Nemorino: [to himself] Oh man, I can't wait for her to fall in love with me tomorrow morning!
Belcore: Unless maybe you'd like to get married today... ?
Nemorino: What? NOOOO THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA
Adina: Aaaand there's the anguish and heartbreak I was looking for. [to Belcore] Sure! Today's a great day for a wedding!
The Chorus: YAAAAAAY WE LOVE WEDDINGS
The Audience: Yeah, because they always turn out so well in Donizetti operas.
Nemorino: ADINA PLEASE JUST WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW
Belcore: It's none of your business, asshole. Now step away from my woman before I wreck your shit.
Adina: It's okay, darling. He's just upset because he's desperately in love with me and he can't bear the thought of anyone else seeing me naked.
Gianetta: HA HA WHAT A PUSSY
Everyone: [laughs at Nemorino]
Nemorino: But... but...
Adina: [aside] This is probably a good time to mention that I'm only doing this to inflict some severe mental and emotional anguish on Nemorino and that I have absolutely no intention whatsoever of going through with this wedding.
The Audience: That... seems a little harsh.
Adina: Oh, you have no idea. By the time I'm through, both Nemorino and Belcore will be little more than the whimpering husks of the men they once were!
The Audience: Holy shit. We didn't know this opera had a villain.
Donizetti: Oh, yeah. She's a stone-cold bitch.
[Nemorino has a full-scale meltdown and collapses in a heap while the crowd mocks him.]
Belcore: EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE WEDDING PARTY EXCEPT FOR NEMORINO
The Chorus: WOOOOO LET'S GET OUR DRINK ON
Nemorino: [weeps softly]
[End of Act I.]
Next installment: Act II
Next installment: Act II