Previous installment: Act I
Act II: Sooo let's do a quick recap here. Canio (the murderous clown), Nedda (the murderous clown's wife), Beppe (the only named character in the opera who isn't actively trying to fuck and/or murder Nedda), and Tonio (the scheming hunchback who is also a Men's Rights Activist) are getting ready to perform a show for a group of townsfolk in Bumfucchio, Italy. Canio has also just discovered that Nedda is having an affair with one of the villagers, but he doesn't know with whom (SPOILER ALERT: it's Silvio!) and Tonio is manipulating Canio into murdering Nedda and her lover because Tonio happens to be one of the most irredeemable assholes in the history of opera. Seriously, fuck that guy. Also, Nedda and Silvio think it's a good idea not to run away together until after the performance, even though her crazy, jealous, violent husband knows that she's cheating on him.
The Audience: Brilliant plan.
Nedda: Canio wouldn't dare hurt me in front of the entire village! It's foolproof!
The Audience: [sigh] It was nice knowing you.
[Meanwhile, Beppe is the only person who seems to actually give a fuck about their performance.]
[But he's also trying to make sure Nedda doesn't get murdered.]
Beppe: :( :( :(
[And now we're more or less caught up. On with the show! The stage has been set for the play-within-the-opera, and the villagers enter and start taking their seats.]
The Chorus: LET'S ALL GET GOOD SEATS FOR THE SHOW
Tonio: EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP
The Chorus: Nah, we think we're gonna keep yelling for another ten or twenty pages. And we're also gonna let our children run wild all over your set!
Tonio: I hate you all so much.
The Chorus: COME ON START THE SHOW ALREADY
[Beppe and Nedda enter.]
Beppe: WE'RE NOT PERFORMING A DAMN THING UNTIL YOU ASSHOLES PAY US
The Chorus: Fiiiiiiine.
[Nedda goes around and starts collecting money from the chorus. A fight breaks out between a couple villagers because they're Italian and that's all the reason they need.]
The Chorus: YEAH HIT THAT DOUCHEBAG IN THE FACE
[While everyone is distracted, Silvio slips out of the crowd and finds Nedda.]
Silvio: Hey, baby. Gimme some sugar.
Nedda: Don't be a fucking idiot. My husband is right over there. Also, you should be glad he didn't see who you were earlier, because then he'd probably stab you to death.
Silvio: Oh, don't be so melodramatic. We're still planning to run away together after the show, right?
Nedda: Of course. Now that Canio knows I'm cheating on him, our marriage is probably gonna take a turn for the worse.
Silvio: No shit. In any case, I can't wait for us to be together forever!
Creepy Ghost Twins: ... and ever... and ever...
[Silvio goes back into the crowd and Nedda finishes collecting everyone's money.]
The Chorus: WHY HASN'T THE SHOW STARTED YET COME ONNNNNNN YOU LAZY FUCKERS
[Nedda, Tonio, and Beppe scamper backstage. The curtain rises.]
The Chorus: YAAAAAAY IT'S STARTING EVERYONE SHUT UP
[The Play-Within-the-Opera: Nedda/Colombina is alone in her kitchen, waiting for her lover (Beppe/Arlecchino).]
Nedda: BOY I'M SURE HAPPY MY HUSBAND ISN'T HOME BECAUSE I'M GOING TO CUCKOLD THE SHIT OUT OF HIM
The Chorus: GET SOME
Nedda: Also, where the fuck is Taddeo with my FreshDirect order? He was supposed to be here ages ago.
[Beppe approaches the house, strumming a lute or a mandolin or whatever the fuck.]
Beppe: COME OUT, COLOMBINA -- DON'T LET ME WAIT
YOU CATHOLIC GIRLS START MUCH TOO LATE
AH, BUT SOONER OR LATER IT COMES DOWN TO FATE
I MIGHT AS WELL BE THE ONE
Nedda: There's Arlecchino!
[She sits down at the table, with her back to the door. Enter Tonio/Taddeo, carrying a chicken.]
Tonio: There's my beloved! [sighing] Oh, if only I could tap that sweet ass! Even though she finds me utterly revolting, I might as well try to seduce her. You know, just 'cause.
The Chorus: HA HA HA HE'S SO FUNNY
The Audience: Nooooope.
[Tonio comes up behind Nedda.]
Tonio: Baby, I should call you "my back," because I gotta hump. [pause] ... you. I gotta hump you.
Nedda: First of all, no. Second of all, give me that damn chicken. Third through tenth of all, that was the worst pick-up line I've ever heard and I find you utterly repugnant and please never speak to me again.
Tonio: [whispering] That last part wasn't in the script.
Nedda: [whispering back] But it sure felt appropriate!
[Tonio falls to his knees in front of Nedda.]
Tonio: Pleeeeeeeease sleep with me! I know you're as pure as the driven snow --
The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE SHE'S A SLUT
Tonio: -- but I need to get me some of your hot body!
[Nedda snatches the chicken from Tonio.]
Nedda: Fuck off, Taddeo.
Tonio: But -- but --
[Beppe climbs in through the window, sneaks up behind Tonio, and kicks him in the ass.]
Beppe: GTFO N00B
Tonio: OH NO SHE ALREADY HAS A LOVER well then I guess I'll go outside and keep watch for them because that's clearly the logical thing to do here.
My Readers: Are you really looking for logic in an operatic parody of a Commedia dell'Arte performance?
Me: Shut up. I don't need your sass.
[Tonio hobbles outside to keep watch while the lovers embrace.]
[They exchange some chaste kisses and then sit down to dinner instead of going off to have sex.]
The Chorus: ... this is the most boring affair ever.
Nedda: ISN'T THIS DINNER SUPER DELICIOUS
Beppe: IT SURE IS EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE FOOD
Nedda: WELL YOU'RE HOGGING ALL THE WINE SO FUCK YOU
[Beppe takes a vial of liquid out of his pocket and gives it to Nedda.]
Beppe: Here! Use this to drug your husband, and then we can run away together!
[Tonio runs back in, looking terrified.]
Tonio: HEY GUYS PAGLIACCIO IS COMING BACK AND HE KNOWS WHAT'S UP
Nedda and Beppe: OH SHIT
Tonio: I'M OUT, BITCHES
[Tonio hides in the closet and Arlecchino slips out the window.]
Beppe: Don't forget to roofie your husband!
Nedda: I won't forget, darling! Just wait until midnight, and I'll be yours forever!
[Canio/Pagliaccio enters and hears Nedda's last line.]
Canio: [to himself] THOSE WERE THE SAME WORDS THAT SLUTTY SLUT SLUT SAID TO HER LOVER THIS AFTERNOON AHHHHH GODDAMMIT
Tumblr Users in the Audience: And that's what trigger warnings are for.
[Canio takes a deep breath and tries to calm down. SPOILER ALERT: It doesn't work so well.]
Canio: HEY COLOMBINA WAS THERE ANOTHER MAN HERE JUST NOW
Nedda: I have no idea what you're talking about. Are you drunk or something?
Nedda: Why are you home early?
Canio: Oh, did I interrupt something? [pointing to the table] And if you were alone, why are there two places set for dinner?
Nedda: Oh, that was for Taddeo -- but he hid in the closet when he heard you coming.
[Tonio steps out of the closet.]
R. Kelly: This is amazing. I really need to write an opera one of these days.
Tonio: Everything she says is true! She's pure and wonderful and would never, ever lie to or cheat on her husband!
The Chorus: IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT'S NOT ACTUALLY TRUE AT ALL
Canio: [to the chorus] SHUT THE FUCK UP
The Chorus: oh shit
Canio: [to Nedda] WHAT'S HIS NAME
Nedda: Whose name?
Canio: YOUR LOVER YOU FUCKING WHORE
The Audience: Is anyone else, like... super uncomfortable right now?
Nedda: Hey, Pagliaccio, maybe you should calm down --
Canio: MY FUCKING NAME ISN'T FUCKING PAGLIACCIO I'M JUST THE CUCKOLDED JACKASS WHO TOOK YOU IN AND MARRIED YOU WHEN YOU WERE STARVING AND HOMELESS AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME
Chorus Women: OH MAN THIS PLAY IS SO GOOD WE'RE GONNA CRY
Chorus Men: SHUT UP WE'RE TRYING TO LISTEN TO THIS UNEXPECTED TIRADE THAT IS CLEARLY A PART OF THE SHOW
Silvio: Uh, guys? I don't think he's acting.
Chorus Women: Exactly! His emotions are so raw that it's almost impossible to tell that everything he's saying is written in the script! He's such a wonderful performer!
Silvio: That's the exact opposite of what I just said.
Chorus Men: SHUT IT
Canio: I THOUGHT THAT YOU WOULD LOVE ME OR AT LEAST RESPECT ME BUT I WAS CLEARLY WRONG BECAUSE YOU'RE A HEARTLESS DEVIL WOMAN
Nedda: [looking out at the villagers] You guys have to know something's wrong here, right? Is anyone gonna back me up if shit starts to go down?
The Chorus: BRAVO BRAVO THIS IS THE BEST PLAY EVER
Nedda: ... fuck.
The Audience: [facepalm]
Nedda: [to Canio] Well, if I'm such a heartless bitch, maybe you should divorce me.
Canio: YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU
Nedda: Kinda, yeah.
Canio: NO FUCKING WAY NOW TELL ME YOUR LOVER'S NAME
Nedda: [attempting to get the play back on track] Well, I guess it's time to tell you the truth! Taddeo, tell Pagliaccio that the man who was with me before was just the adorable, harmless Arlecchino!
Canio: DO YOU THINK THIS IS A FUCKING GAME
Canio: TELL ME HIS NAME OR I'LL MURDER YOU IN FRONT OF THIS WHOLE AUDIENCE
Nedda: My mama didn't raise no snitch. I'm not telling you shit, you punk-ass motherfucker.
Beppe: [to Tonio] Hey -- shouldn't we do something about this, maybe?
Tonio: What do I look like, a police officer?
[Canio pulls out a knife.]
The Orchestra: [starts playing The Rains of Castamere]
Game of Thrones Fans: Too soon.
Canio: WHAT'S HIS NAME
Nedda: GO FUCK YOURSELF
Silvio: [jumping to his feet] JESUS CHRIST SOMEONE HELP HER
The Chorus: SIT DOWN SILVIO YOU'RE RUINING THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW
[Canio grabs Nedda and stabs her repeatedly.]
Silvio and Beppe: HOLY FUCK
The Chorus: OH MAN THIS IS AWESOME THEY EVEN HAVE FAKE BLOOD AND EVERYTHING
Canio: TELL ME WHO IT IS
Nedda: [dying] ... nnnnnnope... you'll never know...
[Silvio draws a dagger and rushes onto the stage.]
The Audience: That might have been useful some time before Canio stabbed your lover to death.
Silvio: NEDDA NOOOOO
Canio: Oh. Well, I guess it's this guy.
[Canio stabs Silvio repeatedly.]
Nedda: ... goddammit, Silvio.
[Silvio and Nedda both die.]
The Chorus: ... waaaaaaaaaaait a minute.
The Audience: Oh, NOW you get it, you dumb fuckers.
The Chorus: HOLY SHIT HE JUST KILLED TWO PEOPLE
The Audience: And you didn't do a damn thing. Fuck you all.
Canio: [dropping the knife] THE COMEDY IS FINISHED
The Chorus: ...
The Audience: ...
The Chorus: ... THAT WASN'T A FUCKING COMEDY AT ALL YOU ASSHOLE
[End of the opera.]